Tiger Blood

T'was another day in Hollywood when Charlie Sheen took ill

He was rushed to the emergency room with paramedic skill

His stomach cramps materialised after hours of snorting coke

And as the news broke on the web, we presumed it was a joke

A briefcase full of powdered snow delivered to his door

And partying so very hard with a porn star and a whore

And perhaps a tiny night-cap-high from slamming crystal meth

Appeared to be the cause of Charlie's narrow brush with death

But much to our relief we learned of Charlie's indigestion

As PR types refuted each alternative suggestion

A hernia of hiatus sorts had caused his guts to knot

So off they sent him home with a prescription and a shot

But the media were on the case as porn star Kasey posed

And painterly the picture grew as details were exposed

Next CBS were swift to make their job demise announcement

Though Charlie was as quick to make his own bizarre pronouncement

On twitter he proclaimed that he was filled with #TigerBlood

And told us he was #winning as new followers did flood

The female twitterati saw a troubled soul precarious

The males just wanted Charlie's life in all its forms vicarious

As twitter watched his life destruct, the women were in shock

But the men were merely envious of Charlie's active cock

The details of his private life were wildly torn asunder

And as we read each gory part, I couldn't help but wonder

Did he use a rubber when he banged those porn-star bitches?

Or is he now forever cursed with nether-region itches?

As he pointed his torpedo in a truth or dare direction

Was latex simply 'de rigueur' to protect his stiff erection?

For what he might consider to be pure primeval sports

May very well have left him with severe venereal warts

Did he pay attention to the threat of HPV?

Or heed the many warnings on the risks of HIV?

No, the lack of Durex sponsorship and requisite commission

Led Charlie to commit a costly, foolhardy omission.

While things were spinning wildly in a violent downward spiral

Charlie put a whole new spin on the art of going viral

As he gathered round his entourage of horny, porny sisters

He failed to see his foreskin burst with weeping herpes blisters

And sitting there in rehab with withdrawal diarrhea

He didn't give a second thought to his nascent gonorrhea

Pumped full of penicillin he observed his healing scabs

And the precautionary shaving left him quite devoid of crabs

So as the new clean Mr. Sheen emerged fresh from his chrysalis

He swept aside all remnants of that most tenacious syphilis

'I'm #winning!', he announced as all the conference cameras pressed

And the #TigerBlood erection in his pants he just suppressed

For the girls were ready, waiting; on his every word were hanging

They simply couldn't wait to get a 2.5-man banging